I realized something last night.

I’m terrified. Not of New Zealand and moving to the other side of the planet. Not of dropping everything and leaving the people I care about.  I’m terrified of him.

He’s amazing in everyway and I love him more than anything. I would be with him forever if I could. It’s not commitment by any stretch of the imagination that I’m afraid of.  What scares me is the power he wields over my heart. And the potential damage he can cause.

I’ve been hurt before. I was devestated to the core. And it would pale in comparison to the pain he would be capable of inflicting.

So, what do I spend my time doing?  Trying to figure out why he’s rejected me before he even rejects me. Trying to figure out what  it is about me that’s not good enough. All so the when the time comes, I can soften the blow a little.

I know, I’m fucked up. I know these thoughts are all irrational. I know he would never hurt me (on purpose). Yet, I can’t stop thinking it. No matter how hard I try.

The worst part is, when I started trying to explain all of this last night, he kept cracking jokes. Which is why I think we’ve never really had a chance to talk about the serious things. Which is why, I felt like I didn’t really know him last night. Which is why I worry that we’re in love with the idea of us more than anything.

Ugh, I need help.